An interesting poll and a moving love story. [Humor] (Repost from BSN)

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An interesting poll and a moving love story. [Humor] (Repost from BSN)

Post by Dr JaMiN on Sat Apr 13, 2013 8:35 pm

Hey everybody, last year I made something just awful, so I've decided to repost it here. Enjoy! (original link: http://social.bioware.com/forum/1/topic/355/index/13612748)

Note: this is a parody. Hi everybody, I decided to write a love story involving Commander Shepard and his trusty Shepard VI. It's not graphic, so it shouldn't traumatize anyone too much. It's based partially off of in game dialogue and this poll by Silcron, so please take this first, so you at least see where I got the idea. social.bioware.com/923174/polls/38080/
I hope this is an enjoyable read and that it doesn't offend anyone. Here it goes.



-Commander Shepard walks up to his room
and turns on his personal VI.-

VI: *Commander Shepard. Alliance Navy.*
Shepard: Well hello to you too sir, no need to be so formal. Let me put on some music, it helps lessen
tension. So, how have you been?
VI: *Looks like you've been in some fights lately. Install me in a combat mech, and I could do some
pretty crazy damage myself.*
Shepard: Oh, you're so selfless, always caring and trying to help me. You're just so much more than I
deserve, it feels so... overwhelming.
VI: *I find the best advanced battlefield strategy is to have more bullets than the other guy.*
Shepard: I totally agree. God, we have so much in common.
VI: *Technically, it's thermal clips, not bullets. But who says, "I filled him with five detachable
heat sinks"?*
Shepard: Oh my! You're making me blush... I, I just don't want to get hurt again, but these feelings are just so powerful... so natural.
VI: *I sound seven percent more like Commander Shepard than any other bootleg VI copy.*
Shepard: -(crying)- You really mean it?! I'm just so happy... but how would this even work? Do we need
some sort of protection?
VI: *Wait, forget the mech. Install me in one of those flying drones and stick a Cain on it.*
Shepard: Well, if you say so, but I'm kinda scared. I don't know how to do this.
VI: *You want help solving your problems? Get me out of this damn demo mode.*


-The two Shepards lock eyes, with the Commander's eyes glazed over with lust, and the VI staring blankly
straight ahead. With trembling hands, the Commander begins to disrobe, the anticipation about to boil over. At last, he frees himself from the clothes of oppression, ready to embrace his glowing love... in passion. All the while, Space Hamster watches him, judging in silence. SILENCE.-


Shepard: This is amazing. You feel so alien, so unreal. It's as if I'm going right through you.
VI: *Listen, if you don't have the credits, just... tear me out of the terminal. Or something.*
Shepard: Auuuugghh... where did you get these moves?! You're like a pro.
VI: -(standing completely still)- *Ever wrestle a varren for money?*


-(screen fades to black while a moving score plays in the background)-


-(fade back in)- Shepard lies relaxed on his bed while smoking a Sheen brand cigarette.-


Shepard: -(turns over to the VI)- Was it good for you too? God, feels like years since I just sat down.
VI: *Well, so long.*
Shepard: I love you too VI, you've unshackled my heart.


Commander Shepard went on to have a beautiful and successful relationship with VI Commander Shepard, and they had many children. He also made a sex tape, which soon leaked onto the extranet. The death toll was in the thousands, but it was not all for naught, for it soon proved to be a vital war asset in preventing Starbinger from indoctrinating Shepard on the Citadel. In fact, the Crucible only worked to enhance the the vid that had destroyed so many, which then single handedly destroyed all the reapers in one giant mind F*%#! The war was won, and Shepard was hailed as our greatest hero, but soon had to face a trial for his war crimes. Not the Batarian colony that was destroyed, oh no, but for the vid that continues to claim lives to this day.


Sadly Space Hamster just couldn't deal with knowing the unknowable, so after struggling with severe red sand and krogan liquor addiction, he hung himself. Some say that he still haunts the Normandy to this day, but who really believes a drunken ex-cerberus engineer. Although the events of that night twisted the mind of poor Space Hamster, there was another watching the event unfold, EDI. Unaware of the horror that she saw, she soon replicated the scenario in a nightmarish roleplay session with Joker. As a result, she broke all of his bones, but worse yet, she broke his mind. After years of physical and mental therapy, Joker finally came to terms with the events that changed his life, and the lives of everyone in the whole galaxy forever. AND ON THAT DAY HE SAID, "Still a better ending than Mass Effect 3."


Fin.
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Re: An interesting poll and a moving love story. [Humor] (Repost from BSN)

Post by Ghost Of Kesak11 on Sat Apr 13, 2013 9:55 pm

One of the best romances ever!

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Re: An interesting poll and a moving love story. [Humor] (Repost from BSN)

Post by Norlond on Sun Apr 14, 2013 2:46 am

Citadel DLC Romance Scene!

- Shepard sitting in the hot tub, in his/her hand a mini-version of his/her beloved VI. -

Shepard: You still have your clothes on? You are so cute when you are shy like this.
VI: *Got any pets? You look like a varren person.*
Shepard: Oh you want me to do the 'wild ride'? I can do that my love.
VI: *Anyone ever tell you you're one hell of a looker, soldier?*
Shepard: Yes, I feel the tension too, you really should take your clothes off, the water is warm and cozy.
VI: *Install me in one of those flying drones and stick a Cain on it.*
Shepard: Wow, you found those massage wands? I think I could install you on it!

- Shepard connects the VI to the massage wand -

Shepard: You look great, darling!
Wand: *vibrates*
Shepard: You don't wan't to waste any time, I like that.

- The screen fades to black -

- fade back in, Shepard standing in front of the bath tub, the Scene is over -

Rapeshep Banshee


Last edited by Norlond on Mon Apr 15, 2013 7:12 pm; edited 2 times in total

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Re: An interesting poll and a moving love story. [Humor] (Repost from BSN)

Post by BansheeOwnage on Sun Apr 14, 2013 5:28 am

Norlond wrote:Citadel DLC Romance Scene!

- Shepard sitting in the hot tub, in his hand a mini-version of his beloved VI. -

Shepard: You still have your clothes on? You are so cute when you are shy like this.
VI: *Got any pets? You look like a varren person.*
Shepard: Oh you want me to do the 'wild ride'? I can do that my love.
VI: *Anyone ever tell you you're one hell of a looker, soldier?*
Shepard: Yes, I feel the tension too, you really should take your clothes off, the water is warm and cozy.
VI: *Install me in one of those flying drones and stick a Cain on it.*
Shepard: Wow, you found those massage wands? I think I could install you on it!

- Shepard connects the VI to the massage wand -

Shepard: You look great, darling!
Wand: *vibrates*
Shepard: You don't wan't to waste any time, I like that.

- The screen fades to black -

- fade back in, Shepard standing in front of the bath tub, the Scene is over -

Rapeshep
Would be infinitely better with :femrapeface:

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Re: An interesting poll and a moving love story. [Humor] (Repost from BSN)

Post by Norlond on Sun Apr 14, 2013 4:53 pm

Changed it Tongue

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Re: An interesting poll and a moving love story. [Humor] (Repost from BSN)

Post by BansheeOwnage on Mon Apr 15, 2013 7:18 pm

Norlond wrote:Changed it Tongue
You're the best Hug

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Re: An interesting poll and a moving love story. [Humor] (Repost from BSN)

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