Feeling Lonely

Not to be depressing, because I am, but I'm feeling incredibly lonely. I honestly feel empty, hollow, and, in need of a hug; one that I simply cannot find in my life.

I feel worthless, devalued, and rejected.

I'm worried that I'm too picky, and doomed to ruin my own happiness. I wish I had someone, ANYONE in my life that could provide me with intimacy; not sex, just, closeness.

You're only 20. Stop thinking that you're doomed to a life without romance. There's still so much time left! Hell, I had never even had any romance in my life until I was 19!
What matters is that you believe in yourself. Try getting some more confidence in you and your own abilities. Don't just sit there and accept it; fight it! You have to fight for your happiness! It won't suddenly come jumping in to your lap.

These things come to us of their own accord, and cannot be rushed. Think of this as your "me time" and get to know yourself. I should know, I've been there with bells on.

I felt exactly the same way when I was your age.

Don't worry. You're worth it, so it'll happen.

In the mean time, this virtual brohug goes out to you. =)

Wish I could help you, Arian. And estebanus is right, nothing worth having comes easy.

Remember our talks on Origin and remember that you have at least one American friend living in Germany. :D

Sorry to hear it man. I know the feeling well. I was 20 before ever really dating someone. It's tough being around people who have someone when you don't. Was always the friend, or third wheel for a long long time.
Then I became friends with my roomate's sister who moved in next door. We hung out, had fun with friends, played tennis, etc. It didn't occur to me that we could be anything else until one night when a group of us wrapped a friend's car in cellophane at 2am and she flashed me a smile. That's when I found myself drawn to her. Now here we are 15 years later, married with a daughter.

All that to say that it can happen even if you feel like it's impossible. When it happens, you may well be completely surprised with yourself. Until then, take stock of yourself and what you can offer someone. Be confident in that. If you feel rejected, it most likely because they didn't know you well enough, rather than they knew you too well. Be willing to be friends before you're more, and just let it evolve.

Anyway, enough unsolicited advice. I just wanted you to hear what I wish someone had told me when I was 20.

lex0r11 wrote:Wish I could help you, Arian. And estebanus is right, nothing worth having comes easy.

Remember our talks on Origin and remember that you have at least one American friend living in Germany. :D

Actually, that's two, since I live in Germany as well, and I'm American! XD

estebanus wrote:You're only 20. Stop thinking that you're doomed to a life without romance. There's still so much time left! Hell, I had never even had any romance in my life until I was 19!
What matters is that you believe in yourself. Try getting some more confidence in you and your own abilities. Don't just sit there and accept it; fight it! You have to fight for your happiness! It won't suddenly come jumping in to your lap.

invetro wrote:These things come to us of their own accord, and cannot be rushed. Think of this as your "me time" and get to know yourself. I should know, I've been there with bells on.

These two replies both sound like they're opposites (fight for it vs. it'll just come to us), but they're actually the same thing.

You need to be open to new experiences and people, that's the effort part.
And then, in so many cases, it WILL just 'fall in your lap'. That's the benefit of being a social creature.

Here's my dating/relationship record, til now (I'm 23, so still very young).

2002(earliest anyone would really 'date')-2005 - Single, and as a gay kid, I felt I could never be like everyone else was. As people started dating in high school, I stayed myself, and delved into more nerdy things (perhaps subconsciously to deal with it?).

2006(ish)-2008 - Relationship with someone I met on Myspace, from a school in the same town as my high school. It was very off-and-on, and while we felt romantic and close, we REALLY did not click. It was a very 'high school' era relationship, and it really frayed once he went to university and I stayed in high school another year...

2009 - We went to same university and I broke up with him by the end of my first year. Like you, I began feeling much more picky and that I wouldn't be happy with other people (but because I wasn't happy with him). Went to Alberta for the summer, went back to city and worked... felt incredibly lonely, even with two social roommates.

2010 - Still lonely... working... moving from place to place due to leases, bedbug infestation, shady roommate. Finally got back into Fall part time classes at university.. only did half well, but that was better than my first year...

And then I put my profile on Plenty of Fish, a (mostly) free dating website. I would get come-ons and flirts and some genuine offers to date, but would turn them down because I felt I could never succeed in a relationship again.

But then I consciously chose to open up.
And it nearly ruined me.
In the span of just 2-3 months, a guy swept me up, convinced me he loved me, and he wanted me to move in with him, etc. I feel for it all, and to put a longggg story short, he left me not just emotionally, but a bit psychologically scarred by the end of Jan 2011. I was also dealing with life crisis and more, and failing classes again.

Serves me for being open to others and putting my pickyness aside, right?

2011-2013 - I didn't delete my PoF profile, but I did remove everything on it except for pic and most basic info. Eventually, I came in contact with a guy who, and we're quite frank about this, wasn't even very attracted or interested in me in the first place. After a couple months, we decided together 'to heck with it', and met face to face.
Even with us both swept up (JUST like the other relationship) and us moving in together within 3-4 months, the opposite outcome came out of it.

Started April 2011, so we've been together nearly 2 years. And we're both, even with some of our peeves with each other, incredibly happy and in love. Currently, we're looking forward to many more years, and have broadly based discussions that we would marry as soon as I have my degree and we're both situated into stable enough careers.



This is all a long rant, but I wanted you to really see (like others have been writing) how life's path can go in any direction - from the mix of WILL plus OPENNESS. Does this mean you'll meet someone and be happy? No, actually. Does it mean you're MUCH more likely to meet someone and be happy if you try, and are open to the imperfections in other people? Absolutely.

What if I was so disillusioned that I deleted my PoF profile? What if I *totally* gave up *all* hope, and rebuffed anyone's efforts to get to know me better?

Well, I'd be safer.

For a while. Then this behavior would have diminishing returns. And then I the chance of being alone for decades.
If my boyfriend never took that chance to meet me in person, this never would have happened. (Thankfully, he's a very 'business opportunity minded' person, so he tends to always want to 'inspect' things before dismissing them entirely ;))

Have hope. Life itself isn't a Bioware game with pre-established romantic plotlines. Don't leave it up to fate, but instead your own will, or at least openness to other people having that will and pursuing you ;)

I'm aware of all thi already; it's just three things;

1). Waiting sucks.

2). My big worry is that my own personality is my stumbling block, dooming me to a life of unhappiness, since I'm so picky about so many things.

3). I'm a depressive; so I'm prone to moods like this; I just wish something would happen; even if it hurts, I don't care, just so long as the hurt gets me away from the darkness. Apathy is a far worse fate than hatred.

Then how about trying to be less picky? If you see a fault in someone you might like, just ignore it! What's the worst that can happen? I mean, if it doesn't work out, what does it matter? You can always try and better yourself as a person.

Hormones are a terrible thing. As is having above average intelligence and the free time to let it ponder.

I know how you feel, and there have been very rough times in my own existance where I could barely stand it. It'll fade, in time.

That being said, you're 20. 'Young' doesn't even cover it - I'm still young too, and I'm 7 years your senior!

Also, depression isn't anything to be taken lightly. Its something that needs to be delt with in its own way, its not something that you can 'just get over' or ignore. But that too eventually will become easier to handle. I've found myself 'falling' into that feeling, and now know to shake myself out of it before I get too deep.

I'm in my 30's, and finding what you think is 'love' and all of that really early isn't nearly as much of a blessing or wonderful thing as you may think.

I have two kids and am seriously contemplating a divorce, even at the cost of my immediate family, as my parents and brothers would be very, VERY disapproving of me doing so.

I am likewise a depressive Arian, and extremely picky and such. The biggest hurdle you'll have is finding self-confidence enough to put yourself out there and accepting the hurt of rejection. ... been there, done that... and yes, Apathy is dangerous, don't let it take hold.

Pickiness isn't necessarily a bad thing. It means when your standards are eventually met, you'll likely never need to look again.

:) I felt the same a few weeks ago!

Just went on walks, looked up at the stars and, I know this sounds corny, I just focused on what made me happy:

Talking to my friend and having fun even though I know I can't be with her (the happiness I get from speaking to her is enough)

Chatting to my friends on here

Walking by myself (Even though it's solitary, it's nice to feel part of nature)

Playing vidya

Going out and getting drunk (not applicable to you obviously, but going out is!)

Meeting new people

SwobyJ wrote:

These two replies both sound like they're opposites (fight for it vs. it'll just come to us), but they're actually the same thing.

You need to be open to new experiences and people, that's the effort part.
And then, in so many cases, it WILL just 'fall in your lap'. That's the benefit of being a social creature.

...

I'm human, but looking around IRL I don't think I'm that social.

Arian, I feel ya. But just for comparison: I've never even had any girlfriend, ever. In fact, I've never even had anyone I could call a friend - and students from school or uni I don't think count, because those don't last until after the semester. I guess this is also the reason why I have so much time for games and the internet.

Here's an advice: try doing something with your life. You're not necessarily here to just find a partner and make babies (metaphorically speaking, if you wish). If it happens, so be it, but until then, do something with your life.
Find something that will make you feel in peace with yourself, that will make you and your place in the world feel less useless and more happy.
In my case it has been wondering about the universe.
In your case it could very well be literature. You're a great writer, you have a great way with words: work on that! Contribute to the world of literature. Maybe you'll end up contributing to culture and people will remember your name as *that* writer, who made created *this* world.

And in case nothing helps, there's always that question I wonder about: Not sure if lonely or just horny.
And in all my years, the former has only been the case twice.

I already and painfully aware that I am young. But my lonliness extends PAST romance, which I do know it's romance, not lust; I really do wonder if I am really just a person who cannot be pleased with the way things are, and thus will will never be satisfied or happy; It's not that I can choose to be less picky; it's that I'm worried I'm looking for something that doesn't exist, and whether this ideal will poison reality for me.

And that frightens me.

As for the depression; people tell me that tortured artist create the best stuff; maybe they do, but in my case, my torments make me more lathargic, less motivated, I feel daily like I lack energy, and I'm plagued by small aches and pains that serve to remind me that despite being skinny and mostly healthy, I'm probably a physical wreck; or that I'm doomed to a mortal world of pain, which once again is the worry that I'm some unreasonable perfectionist who will never be happy.

"A man lives to be happy, even when he lives in such a way as to make happiness impossible." - St. Augustine

MaximizedAction wrote:

SwobyJ wrote:

These two replies both sound like they're opposites (fight for it vs. it'll just come to us), but they're actually the same thing.

You need to be open to new experiences and people, that's the effort part.
And then, in so many cases, it WILL just 'fall in your lap'. That's the benefit of being a social creature.

...

I'm human, but looking around IRL I don't think I'm that social.

I'm talking about our species. We're innately social. Even heavy introverts and asocial people require a minimum of social interaction unless they want 'the crazy' to head into their thoughts.

So by our social interactions, be them positive or negative in themselves, we're saying 'events, happen to me!'. It's always a gamble in life, but at least we're playing. The other choice is to not deal with people at all, and unless one is a totally happy hermit, that isn't gonna fly.

I can't suggest anything specifically for OP now, as I'm possibly a person with undiagnosed depression or anxiety myself and just cope with it when I can, but I can certainly say that I would not be *as* happy as I am if it wasn't for the little 'openings' I afforded others in my life/space around me.

SwobyJ wrote:
I'm talking about our species. We're innately social. Even heavy introverts and asocial people require a minimum of social interaction unless they want 'the crazy' to head into their thoughts.

So by our social interactions, be them positive or negative in themselves, we're saying 'events, happen to me!'. It's always a gamble in life, but at least we're playing. The other choice is to not deal with people at all, and unless one is a totally happy hermit, that isn't gonna fly.

I can't suggest anything specifically for OP now, as I'm possibly a person with undiagnosed depression or anxiety myself and just cope with it when I can, but I can certainly say that I would not be *as* happy as I am if it wasn't for the little 'openings' I afforded others in my life/space around me.

Well, I also socially interact, but it always stays distant. You can feel lonely while interacting with people.

What Arian really needs to do right now, is find something that will outweigh his sadness with happyness.

(Ok, I do have advice:)

I can truthfully say that if I were to rate my boyfriend (ok, I *am* rating him), he would be a 7-8 overall in looks and a 8-9 in personality.

Yet I'm a 9-10 in satisfaction. Why? Why don't I go for that much hotter guy in my class? Why don't I spark up something with that guy who loves every single thing I love and inspires me much more in other ways? (yes both of these exist)

Because with experiences, any nit picks fly away. He helped me through major shifts in my life, panic attacks, financial and emotional crisis and much more. I helped him through his grandmother's death (his family is especially close and traditional), his OCD and especially pure obsessional patterns, etc.
Heh - "This bond that ties us together is something the Reapers will never understand." :P
But that's really it...

Get past the idealism. Idealism is the best thing you could have... when it works for you. When it doesn't, discard it for a while. It's harming you. IT is the poison.

Idealism is great. Keep it around. You want things to be great, I can say I understand that more than you will know. But sometimes, maybe, train yourself to place that idealism in a box and get down into the muck of things in ways you didn't before. Sometimes it'll pay off. Many times, it won't. You'll probably feel better off regardless.

^I know you're talking about broader issues, but well, you're reminding me of a former roommate. He was in his 40s and while probably doing better than he was for a while (regular job, bills paid, dog he loved), his depression kept turning people away suddenly, as if he saw something just 'not right' with them and rejected them for a while.

Don't be him. He was so tortured and dissatisfied with everything (beyond his falsely sounding affirmative words otherwise), that he truly may never be happy. Seriously, this is where force of will comes into play - either create happiness yourself, or crack down and get the exact and proper meds and therapy in order to do so.

MaximizedAction wrote:

SwobyJ wrote:
I'm talking about our species. We're innately social. Even heavy introverts and asocial people require a minimum of social interaction unless they want 'the crazy' to head into their thoughts.

So by our social interactions, be them positive or negative in themselves, we're saying 'events, happen to me!'. It's always a gamble in life, but at least we're playing. The other choice is to not deal with people at all, and unless one is a totally happy hermit, that isn't gonna fly.

I can't suggest anything specifically for OP now, as I'm possibly a person with undiagnosed depression or anxiety myself and just cope with it when I can, but I can certainly say that I would not be *as* happy as I am if it wasn't for the little 'openings' I afforded others in my life/space around me.

Well, I also socially interact, but it always stays distant. You can feel lonely while interacting with people.

What Arian really needs to do right now, is find something that will outweigh his sadness with happyness.

Yeah I understand that - I'm typically very, very socially introvert, and can have days where I intentionally keep myself away from everyone.

SwobyJ wrote:(Ok, I do have advice:)

I can truthfully say that if I were to rate my boyfriend (ok, I *am* rating him), he would be a 7-8 overall in looks and a 8-9 in personality.

Yet I'm a 9-10 in satisfaction. Why? Why don't I go for that much hotter guy in my class? Why don't I spark up something with that guy who loves every single thing I love and inspires me much more in other ways? (yes both of these exist)

Because with experiences, any nit picks fly away. He helped me through major shifts in my life, panic attacks, financial and emotional crisis and much more. I helped him through his grandmother's death (his family is especially close and traditional), his OCD and especially pure obsessional patterns, etc.
Heh - "This bond that ties us together is something the Reapers will never understand." :P
But that's really it...

^^ So much this. It's good to have principles and standards in life, and to stick with them. But if you take it too far, then you'll end up being harsh to your friends and hard on yourself. I'm a much happier person at 38 than I was at 20, and a lot of that is because instead of trying to make things - relationships, friendships, my general circumstances - perfect, I decided to ditch the idea of perfection and just focus on making things better.

My own relationship isn't perfect, in fact it's very turbulent at times, but I can't imagine being with anyone except my wife and a lot of that is down to what SwobyJ is talking about - the experiences we've been through together count for more than what we perceive as each others' flaws and faults. Friendships and family relationships are no different. Being with someone in whatever capacity - friend, lover, relative, even colleague - often means accepting imperfection and finding ways to work around it so that the relationship can be stronger. If you expect too much out of people or try too hard to change them you can push them away.

And don't make the mistake I made when I was young, and still do sometimes, and judge yourself too harshly. This doesn't mean don't try to improve yourself - you should always own your mistakes and learn from them. But don't let this turn into self-hatred.

Don't be afraid to take risks in life. It's OK to be wrong sometimes, it's OK to fail sometimes and you don't have to win every battle you fight. Learning from it is how you improve yourself. I'm a martial artist (Tae Kwon Do) in my spare time and I'd say that I usually learn more from defeat to a better fighter than from victory over someone weaker. And actually, I'd only truly lose if I gave up, and didn't get back in the ring for the next round. And when a risk pays off (and trust me, some of them will) it feels great.

I also think that this "tortured artist" thing is a bit insidious. I think that you need to have a depth of feeling to be creative and to produce something that actually speaks to people and engages them, and that you need to put your beliefs and prinicples into a piece of art. But I don't see how this means you have to be unhappy.

And if you do feel that you are depressive and that you are having difficulty coping, then get the right professional help and treatment. I have at least one friend who's life, it would not be exaggerating to say, was basically saved by getting therapy and taking appopriate medication for a time, and others who were brought back from very bad places by the same.

Rankincountry wrote:

SwobyJ wrote:(Ok, I do have advice:)

I can truthfully say that if I were to rate my boyfriend (ok, I *am* rating him), he would be a 7-8 overall in looks and a 8-9 in personality.

Yet I'm a 9-10 in satisfaction. Why? Why don't I go for that much hotter guy in my class? Why don't I spark up something with that guy who loves every single thing I love and inspires me much more in other ways? (yes both of these exist)

Because with experiences, any nit picks fly away. He helped me through major shifts in my life, panic attacks, financial and emotional crisis and much more. I helped him through his grandmother's death (his family is especially close and traditional), his OCD and especially pure obsessional patterns, etc.
Heh - "This bond that ties us together is something the Reapers will never understand." :P
But that's really it...

^^ So much this. It's good to have principles and standards in life, and to stick with them. But if you take it too far, then you'll end up being harsh to your friends and hard on yourself. I'm a much happier person at 38 than I was at 20, and a lot of that is because instead of trying to make things - relationships, friendships, my general circumstances - perfect, I decided to ditch the idea of perfection and just focus on making things better.

My own relationship isn't perfect, in fact it's very turbulent at times, but I can't imagine being with anyone except my wife and a lot of that is down to what SwobyJ is talking about - the experiences we've been through together count for more than what we perceive as each others' flaws and faults. Friendships and family relationships are no different. Being with someone in whatever capacity - friend, lover, relative, even colleague - often means accepting imperfection and finding ways to work around it so that the relationship can be stronger. If you expect too much out of people or try too hard to change them you can push them away.

And don't make the mistake I made when I was young, and still do sometimes, and judge yourself too harshly. This doesn't mean don't try to improve yourself - you should always own your mistakes and learn from them. But don't let this turn into self-hatred.

Don't be afraid to take risks in life. It's OK to be wrong sometimes, it's OK to fail sometimes and you don't have to win every battle you fight. Learning from it is how you improve yourself. I'm a martial artist (Tae Kwon Do) in my spare time and I'd say that I usually learn more from defeat to a better fighter than from victory over someone weaker. And actually, I'd only truly lose if I gave up, and didn't get back in the ring for the next round. And when a risk pays off (and trust me, some of them will) it feels great.

I also think that this "tortured artist" thing is a bit insidious. I think that you need to have a depth of feeling to be creative and to produce something that actually speaks to people and engages them, and that you need to put your beliefs and prinicples into a piece of art. But I don't see how this means you have to be unhappy.

And if you do feel that you are depressive and that you are having difficulty coping, then get the right professional help and treatment. I have at least one friend who's life, it would not be exaggerating to say, was basically saved by getting therapy and taking appopriate medication for a time, and others who were brought back from very bad places by the same.

^ Really great advice.

You and I sould so very much alike Arian. Take heart and do what they suggest, focus on what makes you happy, and work on THOSE things now while you're still able to.

I know lack of motivation is a huge deal, as it is the same for me. I've never had motivation, nor do I know how to motivate myself into doing things I know I should. I don't have friends either, and I constantly feel similarly lonely, but I make up for it by finding things that make me happy and through writing and roleplaying in various MMO's.

I've been thinking about it, and while I don't think it was ever explicitly said, you guys mentioning it gave me some pretty good advice I was able to pull out. I kept wondering how to "settle" without being unhappy about it, without thinking I'd doom myself to a world in which I will never have the kind of life I want. Then I realized; It's not "Don't bother with perfection" or "Be happy with the mediocre" it's;

"Stop looking for reasons to be unhappy."

Time to stop dwelling on negatives.

Do you keep a journal (a.k.a. "diary")?

If not, try it.

I used to have one at a time when I was struggling with similar feelings as what it sounds like you're going through. It helped me vent, collect some thoughts, and just take a step back and look at what - exactly - was making me feel unhappy in life.

What changed things for me was finding new hobbies: some that helped me get out and meet people, others that keep me pleased while I'm alone. It's not always that simple, however. So until then, I recommend investing in a notebook and pen.